


Bagels are Serious Business

by airgeer



Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Epic Fail, Future Fic, M/M, Oral Sex, Sex Tape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-16
Updated: 2012-10-16
Packaged: 2017-11-16 10:25:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/538465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/airgeer/pseuds/airgeer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaine and Kurt make a sex tape, and are surprisingly good at it. They are, however, surprisingly <i>bad</i> at keeping track of where they left it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bagels are Serious Business

**Author's Note:**

> So, this was written before the end of Season 3, and I was working off the assumption that Kurt would be going to NYADA in the fall. Which didn't happen, but I didn't have the heart to rewrite. It's set a few years down the line, anyway, with Kurt and Blaine living together in New York. Hope you enjoy it!

It starts like this:  
  
“This is weird.”  
  
Kurt rolled off of Blaine, flopping over onto his back. “What’s weird, honey?”  
  
“The camera. I feel like it’s watching us.” Kurt followed Blaine’s stare to the borrowed video camera where it was perched on a tripod, red light blinking at them accusingly.  
  
“It is watching us, that’s the entire idea of a camera, Blaine.”  
  
Blaine gently pinched Kurt’s side through his t-shirt. “Obviously, yes, I  _know_  that. This just seemed a lot hotter when Puck was bragging about it on Facebook.” He pouted, and whether he was serious or not, it was  _adorable_. Kurt patted the top of his head and resisted the urge to coo. That wouldn’t be a smart thing to do if he wanted to get laid, and he did.  
  
“We can turn it off and never speak of this again?” he offered, sitting up to get off the bed and grab the camera.  
  
Blaine sat up with him, holding onto the back of his shirt and keeping him on the bed. “No, I still want to do it, I just need to get used to it. It’s not really what I expected.”  
  
Not what he had expected? A dim memory of walking in on Finn watching porn on his laptop in high school twigged in Kurt’s memory, and he teasingly said, “Wait, what did you think we were going to do? Make a naughty schoolboy porn video or something?”  
  
Blaine flushed instead of laughing though, and Kurt sat straight up. He really had thought they’d be doing something like that; this was the funniest thing that had happened while they were naked since they’d tried bondage. “...No,” Blaine denied, in the same wary tone of voice he used whenever Kurt asked him to help choose between two outfits.  
  
“You thought that we would be making a porn video!” Kurt accused, barely holding back laughter. “Roleplaying as an innocent student and a dirty teacher or something like that!”  
  
“No!” Blaine denied again, the blush covering his entire face. “No, that’s not what I thought at all.” Kurt knew him far too well for the lie to be believable though, and sure enough, Blaine followed up by mumbling, “Pool boy and bored househusband.”  
  
Kurt couldn’t hold back a tiny and extremely undignified snort of laughter. “Oh honey, even I know that’s the oldest cliché ever, except for the whole husband thing.” Blaine pouted again, and Kurt gave up resisting the urge to cuddle him, wrapping an arm around his back, sliding his hand down his waist to his hip. “But I would’ve done it if you’d actually mentioned it,” he said quietly, a blush stealing up his own cheeks.  _Considered it, at least_ , he added silently.  
  
Blaine swallowed hard and looked at Kurt, then to the camera. “Really?” he said, a smile playing about his lips. “Would you be the pool boy, or the househusband?”  
  
Kurt grinned and looked at the camera, secure in the knowledge that the camera’s love for him had only gotten stronger since high school and that even when he was being ridiculous, he looked good. He leaned into Blaine’s ear and whispered, “I’m clearly the lecherous older man, can’t you tell?” He playfully leaned in and licked a line up Blaine’s cheek, enjoying the way Blaine’s expression went from confused to shocked to slightly turned on, but Kurt couldn’t hold back his giggles any longer.  
  
He released his grip and fell back on the bed, covering his mouth to keep from laughing too loudly. Blaine frowned at him severely, but the effect was ruined by the twinkle of a smile in his eyes.  
  
“That is not funny, Kurt,” he scolded. “Don’t ridicule my fantasies of being taught in the ways of gay sex by a wise older man, attracted by my glistening wet abs.” Kurt sucked in a deep breath and tried to stop laughing, but only lasted a few seconds before Blaine frowned even more deeply and set him off again.  
  
Blaine abandoned any pretence of being affronted and flopped on top of Kurt, straddling his hips and twining their legs together. In this position Blaine’s lips were inches from his own, but Kurt was distracted by trying to find the breath that Blaine’s weight had forced out of his lungs, and so was still surprised when Blaine dipped his head down and kissed him wetly.  
  
The kiss started out playful, but Blaine didn’t wait long before he worked his hips down where they were pressed up against Kurt’s, sending sparks of arousal up his spine. Kurt tilted his head to improve the angle of the kiss and arched up against Blaine, sliding his hands around his waist and rucking up the undershirt he was still wearing.  
  
“Mmm, you should take your clothes off,” he mumbled against Blaine’s lips, sliding his shirt up until he could run his palm over Blaine’s chest without the fabric in the way.  
  
“You first,” Blaine whispered back, sitting up quickly and pulling Kurt’s t-shirt up to his shoulders. Kurt obligingly moved his arms so Blaine could finish pulling off his shirt for him, but he was lying on the back of it still, and ended up with his shirt covering his face and his arms pinned above his head when Blaine couldn’t get it out from under him immediately.  
  
“Hang on, honey,” Blaine said, adding a quick “sorry!” when he tugged Kurt’s shirt out from under him and off, the collar snagging on his ears as it slid past. Kurt stared up at him with narrow eyes, resisting the urge to rub at his stinging ear. He was much better at playing mad than Blaine was, and Blaine was squirming before Kurt struck out and tickled his sides where his shirt hadn’t yet slid back down.  
  
“C’mere,” he beckoned. “And lose the shirt?” Blaine grinned and pulled off his undershirt in one smooth motion, tossing it into their laundry basket and leaning back down to kiss Kurt, sliding one hand up into his hair. Kurt had to arrest his instinctive grab at Blaine’s hand to protect his hair, but Blaine noticed anyway, judging from the smile as he kissed Kurt again.  
  
“The shirt already ruined your hair, Kurt, sorry,” he said, pulling back, but leaving his hand where it was, stroking his thumb over Kurt’s temple. His voice took on a teasing tone as he continued, “And I thought I was allowed to touch your hair during sex post-The Great Blowout of 2014?”  
  
Kurt poked Blaine in the side, taking advantage of the position of his hands on Blaine’s waist to hoist him up and off his seat on Kurt’s lap. “We also agreed to never talk about it again, if you remember?” Kurt growled with mock ferocity, tipping Blaine over onto his back and rolling on top of him.  
  
“Nope, it’s not coming to mind,” Blaine said with a smirk. “All I remember is you, and that-”  
  
Mindful of the camera and desperate to cut him off, Kurt clapped a hand over Blaine’s mouth. “If you never bring that up again, I will give you the best blowjob of your life right now, I swear. Nod if you understand.” Blaine nodded vigorously, and Kurt walked backwards on his knees until he could drag down Blaine’s pants and underwear.  
  
“Smile for the camera, Blaine,” Kurt said teasingly. Blaine propped himself up to get a better angle to see, and looked over at the camera quickly before going back to staring at Kurt as he slowly walked his fingers up Blaine’s thigh. “You know,” he said, “I’ll admit that I was kind of worried about this whole tape thing, but it’s not so bad. Good idea, honey.”  
  
Blaine grinned at him, pleased at the praise, and wound the fingers of one hand back into Kurt’s hair, leaning forward for another kiss. “You’re the best, Kurt, thank you,” he said as he flopped back down. “It’s your turn next, and I’ll make it so good for you.”  
  
“You always do,” Kurt said, feeling a soppy grin cross his lips. He ducked his head down into Blaine’s lap, allowing Blaine to guide him with his hand, and took the tip of Blaine’s cock into his mouth, relishing Blaine’s sharp intake of breath and thinking of how good they were going to look later when they watched the recording. Maybe they should edit out the embarrassing parts, he thought briefly, before realizing that knowing them, the entire video would likely be embarrassing.  
  
He dismissed the thought and took more of Blaine into his mouth, flattening his tongue around the shaft of his cock and sliding a hand around to grab at his ass. Blaine’s ass was fun to play with, squishy and firm at the same time, and he always got delightfully squirmy when Kurt was touching him front and back.  
  
He’d forgotten about Blaine’s hand in his hair, though, and Blaine got his own back when he tugged slightly and made a small disapproving noise. Kurt stopped squeezing and ran an apologetic hand over his ass instead, pulling mostly off of Blaine’s cock to press teasingly light kisses around the head.  
  
“Kurt,” Blaine said in between heavy breaths, “Kurt, please, please.”  
  
“Please what?” Kurt said innocently. “I thought you wanted a blowjob?” He ran his tongue down Blaine’s shaft, trying not to laugh at the whining sound he made.  
  
“Please, Kurt, I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry.” Blaine let it out in desperately babbly rush, and Kurt had to think for a minute to remember what Blaine would be apologizing for.  
  
“Oh, for talking about the thing that we don’t talk about?” he asked. “Already forgotten. I don’t know why you’d think I was holding a grudge.” He punctuated his sentence by taking Blaine’s cock back into his mouth and sucking, humming approvingly at Blaine’s surprised squawk.  
  
It only took a few moments of Kurt dedicating himself to sucking Blaine off before he sagged back against the mattress, shaky arms giving way underneath him. Kurt grinned in triumph, or would have, if his mouth hadn’t have been full. He was pretty sure that it ended up mostly a grimace, but it wasn’t like Blaine was watching anymore to laugh at him.  
  
The camera was, though, he’d forgotten about it until that moment, and he hoped that the angle had been off enough that it hadn’t caught him making faces. He refocused himself on the blowjob, not wanting the one time that they immortalized their sex on tape to be mostly memorable for the weird expression on his face during.  
  
Blaine had let go of his hair at some point, but his hand found his way back onto Kurt’s head now, his fingers entangling themselves in his hair. Kurt slid his hand back around to Blaine’s ass and squeezed, pulling Blaine up and letting him thrust into his mouth to finish himself off.  
  
Blaine came hard, trembling afterwards and petting at Kurt’s face and hair. Kurt waited patiently, or what passed for patient with him, pulling off his underwear and resting his face on Blaine’s stomach, waiting for Blaine to remember that he was still there.  
  
A strong grip on his arms pulling him up let him know that Blaine had recovered enough to reciprocate, and he scrambled up the bed, stretching out beside him. “Well?” he asked. “Best blowjob ever?”  
  
Blaine tilted his head, pretending to think. “Every blowjob you give is the best ever,” he said, wrapping his arm around Kurt’s waist and pulling him close, sliding his thigh between Kurt’s legs. “Is this good?”  
  
Kurt’s dick had been half-hard for what felt like  _forever_ , he was pretty sure that anything would’ve been good, but when Blaine wrapped his hand around him, stroking up and down in the familiar way that he always started handjobs with, Kurt threw his head back in shock at the sudden pleasure.  
  
Blaine took the opportunity to move in closer, pressing his face against Kurt’s neck and laying gentle kisses on his throat. Kurt assumed that it must be favourite part time, since Blaine was moving his hand maddeningly slowly, and slid a sneaky hand over Blaine’s hip, curling his fingers around Blaine’s ass.  
  
Blaine squeaked when he squeezed, which was satisfying, but he didn’t speed up, continuing to kiss Kurt’s throat and work his cock at the same pace.  
  
“Blaine, you’re being mean,” Kurt gasped out. “Stop being mean.”  
  
“Maybe I’m just savouring,” Blaine said. “I really like having my hand on your dick, Kurt, let me have my moment.”  
  
“You had your moment already, now you’re being greedy,” Kurt whined, bucking his hips forward.  
  
Blaine smiled against his throat, and then he was finally moving his hand exactly the way Kurt liked it and sliding his face down Kurt’s body to flick his tongue over one of his nipples. He tightened his arm around Kurt, sliding it up to pin his chest down and grip his shoulder, and pushed his thigh up further between Kurt’s legs until he had Kurt at what he probably imagined was his mercy. Kurt could’ve gotten out in about three seconds, but between Blaine pumping his fist on Kurt’s cock and using his mouth on his nipples, he had less than no inclination to try.  
  
It didn’t take Kurt long to come, and he swooped down after he could see again, pulling Blaine’s face away from his chest so he could kiss him. Blaine responded as enthusiastically as he always did, tilting his chin up to improve the angle. Kurt let Blaine control the kiss, enjoying the post-orgasm high.  
  
Blaine pulled back eventually, rolling onto his back and breathing hard. “Round two?” he asked hopefully.  
  
Kurt got up on his knees and straddled Blaine, pressing their hips together. “Round two,” he said with a smile.  
  
~*~  
  
And then this, six weeks later:  
  
“Kurt, I swear, I need it for two days at the absolute maximum and then I will bring it right back to you.”  
  
Blaine rolled over in bed to see Kurt sitting at the vanity rubbing lotion into his face, his phone beside his elbow and Rachel’s voice coming out. “What do you even need a laptop for, Rachel? I thought you were eschewing computers until opening night so you could understand the Amish better and bring honesty to your role?”  
  
“Yes, well, it turns out that the Amish don’t actually use phones either, so I decided it was better that I go for emotional honesty instead because I need my phone, Kurt, and I need to make some additions to an article I’m ghostwriting for Jacob ben Israel about me that’s going to appear in the Lima Star. Please?”  
  
“Fine,” Kurt said ungraciously. “Come by tonight to pick it up. I’ll need some time to wipe the hard drive.”  
  
“Kurt, I would  _never_  snoop.” Rachel sounded affronted, and Blaine grinned to himself.  
  
“Yes, you would. I would too,” Kurt said. “Bye Rachel.” He tapped the end call button delicately with his elbow and went back to massaging his cheeks.  
  
“We’re loaning Rachel our laptop now?” Blaine asked, rubbing his eyes and yawning.  
  
Kurt whirled around. “Sorry! I didn’t mean to wake you up, honey.”  
  
"S’fine,” Blaine said, cutting off another yawn. “Laptop?”  
  
“Oh, yes, if that’s okay. I just figured, we both have our phones, she doesn’t live that far away if we really need it, it’s not a big deal. Finn dropped hers and broke it last month, which is what I think started off the whole ‘getting into character by not using computers’ thing anyway.”  
  
“Yeah, it’s not a big deal,” Blaine said. “I think the only thing we’ll have to get off of it is the tape, really, and I have a USB thingy that’s big enough for it. I’ll do that this afternoon.”  
  
“Thank you,” Kurt said with a smile, spinning off his stool and coming over to give Blaine a kiss. “I’ve got to run, but I’ll do some grocery shopping this afternoon. Anything you need?”  
  
“Bagels?” Blaine said hopefully.  
  
“Someday you will get tired of having a bagel every single day for breakfast, Blaine Anderson, and then the world will end,” Kurt said jokingly. “I’ll get them. See you later, love you!”  
  
“Love you too!” Blaine called back as Kurt rushed out of the bedroom. The apartment door closed a minute later, and Blaine slumped back down onto his pillow. He’d had to take the late shift the night before, and a little more sleep was extremely welcome.  
  
~*~  
  
And this, later that same day, will be important, but isn’t yet:  
  
“I don’t understand. Are you trying to tell me that I shouldn’t eat bagels anymore?”  
  
“What?” Kurt was looking at him like he was crazy, but Blaine was well-versed in Kurt’s subtle little schemes. He still remembered the bronzer in his hand lotion. Memory like an elephant.  
  
“Yeah, like some sort of reverse psychology thing?”  
  
“Blaine, you asked for bagels, I got you bagels. At what point does this turn into reverse psychology?”  
  
“They’re blueberry cinnamon, Kurt,” Blaine said slowly.  
  
“Yeah, they were the last kind there. Class ran long.”  
  
“They were the last kind there because you can’t even convince seagulls to eat blueberry cinnamon bagels! They’re the only bad kind of bagel in existence!”  
  
Kurt was smirking at him now, like it was some kind of joke. “You’re mad because I got you the wrong kind of bagel?”  
  
“Not the wrong kind of bagel, Kurt, this is like if you asked me to get you some cheesecake and I brought you back cheddar cheese with icing on it!” The smile slid off Kurt’s face at the mere thought, and Blaine said, “See?”  
  
“I’m sorry honey,” Kurt said. “I’ll pick up more bagels tomorrow, please don’t bring me back cheddar cheese with icing on it.” He dropped the bagel bag into the breadbox and carefully patted Blaine on the shoulder. “Please don’t be mad, I didn’t know.”  
  
Blaine turned around and hugged him. “I’m sorry for assuming you were plotting.”  
  
Kurt hugged him back and then released, holding him at arm’s length with a dumbfounded expression. “I think this is the dumbest argument we’ve ever had,” he said wonderingly. “Do you think we should mark it on the calendar as a new low?”  
  
“I think we should just use it as an excuse for make-up sex and forget it ever happened,” Blaine said, sliding his hand down to Kurt’s ass and squeezing.  
  
“Good call,” Kurt said. “I’d hate to try to explain to people that you were upset over bagels.”  
  
“Well, I’d hate to have to imitate the horrified expression on your face when I said cheddar cheese.” Kurt’s nose twitched and Blaine laughed, leaning in to kiss him. “Never happened, okay?”  
  
“Okay,” Kurt whispered, smiling.  
  
~*~  
  
And then, one week and four days after that:  
  
Blaine was not well-acquainted with that awful moment when you realize that you’ve lost something very, very important, living as he did with his super organized boyfriend and no slouch himself in the department of having all his ducks in a row.  
  
That’s why, when he checked the pockets of his satchel for the flash drive that held the only copy of the sex tape he’d made with Kurt two months ago, he had a long moment of sheer denial.  
  
It wasn’t gone. It couldn’t be gone.  
  
Oh god, it was gone.  
  
He’d had an audition that afternoon, and Kurt wasn’t home yet. He still had time to retrace his steps before work and find it- who did he think he was kidding? It was somewhere in New York, and he was never going to see it again.  
  
Oh god, what if it ended up on the internet and ruined both of their careers just as they were starting to take off and Kurt left him and he ended up alone for the rest of his life.  
  
Later, he would blame his panic for calling Tina as he tore through the apartment searching. For now though, he dug his cellphone out of his pocket on autopilot and scrolled through his contacts list until he found her name, tapping it repeatedly until the phone finally got the message that he really  _really_  needed to talk to her.  
  
“What’s up, Blaine?” she greeted casually.  
  
“Oh god, Tina, I think I just ruined my life and I’m going to be an internet celebrity in the worst possible way and Kurt will never talk to me again what do I do?”  
  
“...What?” she said. “I caught like, two words of that. Try again. What’s wrong?”  
  
“Kurt and I made a sex tape and I  _lost_  it and someone’s going to find it and put it on the internet and then Kurt will  _hate_  me and I can’t believe this is happening, oh my god.”  
  
Tina was silent for a long moment. Blaine dug through their desk drawers and was just about to start explaining a third time when she asked, “How do you lose a sex tape? You made, like, an actual physical DVD? Why?”  
  
“No, I didn’t make a DVD,” Blaine said. “It was on our computer and then Rachel needed to borrow it so we hid it on a flash drive and I needed the flash drive for something and I forgot to transfer it back to the laptop and I just realized I lost the flash drive and I have no idea when, Tina, and Kurt’s going to  _kill me_.”  
  
“Kurt’s not going to kill you,” she said soothingly. “He’s moved into more elegant methods of revenge. I helped him with them.”  
  
“Oh  _god_ ,” Blaine sputtered, “that’s actually worse, how can you make death seem like the good option?”  
  
“I was a goth for like, three years. I picked up a lot.” Tina made a muffled sound somewhere between a snort and a sob suddenly, like she’d been trying to hold back her emotions and had finally failed.  
  
“Are you crying?” Blaine asked incredulously. “Why are _you_  crying? Kurt’s not going to be mad at you, it’s okay.”  
  
Tina made a louder sound, and then she was suddenly further away from the mouthpiece, like she’d dropped her phone, and heaved in an enormous breath that came out as a burst of laughter.  
  
“You’re laughing,” Blaine said flatly. “I see. My life is over, and you’re laughing.” He lifted his voice in the hopes that she would hear him over the gales of laughter, and called, “I’m hanging up on you now! You’re not invited to my funeral!”  
  
The laughter died into quieter giggles immediately, and Blaine heard the phone being fumbled with. “No, no, I’m here, I’m so-o-o-orry-” Tina broke, snickering, then continued more calmly, “I’m sorry. I recognize that this is a very serious situation for you, and I’m here to help.”  
  
She sounded far away and slightly tinny, and Blaine wasn’t being fooled again if Tina thought this was a joke. “I’m on speakerphone now, and Mike’s listening in, isn’t he?” he asked suspiciously.  
  
“No!” Tina said quickly, and slightly guiltily, the tinny quality disappearing. “...Yes,” she admitted after a pregnant pause. “Not anymore though. Sorry.”  
  
“Well, now I’m not only panicking, but I’m a little angry too,” Blaine said, forcing his voice to stay level and dropping onto the couch. “I’m going to go and hide myself under the bed before Kurt gets home. Maybe he won’t notice and I can just live there from now on.”  
  
“Oh, he’ll notice, Blaine,” Mike said. Blaine jerked and nearly dropped his phone in surprise. “This one time in senior year, Sam and I hid under his bed to try and scare him, and he came in, went to his desk, and then sprayed us with Febreeze. That stuff burns when you get it in the eyes.”  
  
“I thought you said I wasn’t on speaker anymore!” Blaine said.  
  
“You’re not, he’s just sitting really close to me and wanted to contribute,” Tina said. “Blaine, I think you may be overreacting just a little.” Blaine started to protest, but she overrode him. “Look, you’ve made several key assumptions here. First: Someone picked up the flash drive. Second: They actually looked at what was on it instead of just deleting everything and using it themselves, or tossing it because it could be full of viruses. Third: they’ll bother uploading the tape onto the internet, and fourth: that you and Kurt were so hot and amazing in your sex tape that it goes viral and has an effect on your careers and personal lives. Do you see how some of those things might not happen?”  
  
Blaine paused for a second to think it through. “Kurt is really, astoundingly, hot though,” he said. “People would crash servers trying to see him naked, Tina. If your second point happens, we’re doomed for sure.”  
  
Tina sighed, and didn’t speak for a long moment. “Look, is there any chance of finding it?” Mike said quietly. “Like, retracing your steps, or maybe you left it somewhere in your apartment?”  
  
“I was using it to work on Kurt’s birthday present so it wouldn’t be saved on the computer where he could find it,” Blaine said hopelessly. “I hid it in my bag because I didn’t want him to use it, and now it’s not in my bag. I have no idea where I would’ve put it if I moved it, and this place is clean, Mike. It’s gone.”  
  
The sound of a key in the lock alerted Blaine to Kurt coming home, and all the panic that had started to dissolve into resignation came rushing back full bore. “Oh god, oh god, he’s home, what do I do?”  
  
“Blaine,” Tina said firmly. “You know what you have to do. Be honest.”  
  
He swallowed with effort and nodded decisively. “Thanks guys. I’ll talk to you later. Or Kurt will, if I can’t.”  
  
“It’s going to fine Blaine,” Tina said. “Take a deep brea-”  
  
“Hi honey!” Kurt sang out, opening the door. “I’m home a little early, hope it’s not a problem!” Blaine hurriedly hit END on the call, placing his phone back in his pocket. Kurt knelt to unlace his boots and had placed them in the rack before he looked at Blaine, puzzled by his lack of response. His face paled immediately, and he took a step into the room before he froze. “What’s wrong?” he asked quietly, like he was dreading the answer. “Is it-”  
  
“No, everyone’s okay,” Blaine said quickly. “I just have something I need to tell you. It might not be anything, but it could be bad, so I’m telling you.” Kurt’s face got a little colour back, though he still looked apprehensive. Blaine was silent for a minute as he gathered his thoughts, throughout which Kurt just looked at him.  
  
“You know how Rachel borrowed our laptop, and we hid that recording we made of us, um, doing it on a flash drive? Well, I had to use the flash drive for...something, and the recording was still on there, and I had it in my bag and now it’s gone.” Kurt’s eyes were wide and shocked, but he was completely silent. Blaine braced himself for when Kurt got past the initial blow and said, “I’m really, really, sorry, Kurt, I can’t believe I did that, please-”  
  
“Do you know where you lost it?” Kurt asked suddenly, a faraway yet terrifying look in his eyes, like he was running down all the possible scenarios and not liking what he came up with. Blaine shook his head silently. Kurt jolted as realization struck him. “Oh god, we’re going to be internet famous in the worst possible way and everyone will see it and our careers will be over before they even begin.”  
  
Kurt flung himself onto the couch beside Blaine with a devastated exhale, covering his eyes with his arm. Blaine put a careful hand on his shoulder, feeling oddly triumphant, despite his overwhelming despair, that Kurt had reached the exact same conclusion he had. Take  _that_ , Tina, you and your logic.  
  
Kurt tilted his head back onto the couch, slumping down sadly. Blaine rubbed his shoulder and apologized to Tina silently for mocking her logic with one thought and then using it in the next. “Maybe it won’t make it online? I mean, someone has to find it, and look at the video,  _and_  decide to upload it,  _and_ it has to go viral. There’s a lot of chances that no one will ever see it.”  
  
“You’re really, really good-looking though, Blaine,” Kurt said despairingly. “If anyone sees it, they’ll put it online for sure and then everyone will want to see it.”  
  
“I’m so sorry, honey,” Blaine tried again. “Really, really sorry.”  
  
“I know,” Kurt said. “You wouldn’t do this on purpose, and it’s your life too. I’m not mad.” He said it through gritted teeth, and with a grimace, but Blaine thought it was best to let him be “not mad” rather than calling him on it. He released a breath and let his jaw relax after a moment longer. “What can we do to try and find it? When did you last see it?”  
  
“I’m sure I had it last week, because I was using it, but I don’t remember seeing it since then for sure. I’ve been literally all over the city since then though, Kurt. The subway, three different theatres, work, class, everywhere. I’m going to tear apart work today, and then I’m going to backtrack to the theatres tomorrow morning, but I think it might be gone.”  
  
Kurt sighed again and dropped his head to Blaine’s shoulder. “Okay. Well, I guess even if we never get acting jobs again, and I have to leave school because of the scandal, we could be offered a reality show if the tape gets big enough.”  
  
Blaine stilled as the thought sunk in. “We might,” he said. “It’s not worth the humiliation of our friends and family seeing us having sex, but it could happen. That would be pretty cool, I guess.”  
  
“Oh, god,” Kurt said. “If my dad knew I made a sex tape...” He trailed off and buried his face in his hands. “He’s going to think I’m such a floozy! Our reality show would be all about  _sex_!”  
  
“Yes,” Blaine said automatically, firmly stamping down the part of him that wanted to clap his hand in open-mouthed excitement at the idea by reminding himself that it really was in his best interest that Burt know as little as possible about their sex life. “That would be awful. Very, very...awful.”  
  
Kurt stood up quickly. “Okay,” he said decisively. “This cannot happen. You go to work and look, and I’ll retrace your steps. We are going to find that tape, our lives are not going to be ruined, and  _my dad will not find out we recorded ourselves having sex_.” His voice climbed as he spoke, reaching near-supersonic levels, and he had his boots back on and halfway laced up before Blaine had made it off the couch.  
  
“Okay, honey,” Blaine said, noting the determined look in Kurt’s eyes and deciding against any further argument. “Be safe.” Kurt flashed a quick smile at him and gave him a quick peck on the cheek before disappearing out the door.  
  
Blaine took several deep breaths and retrieved his bag. They weren’t going to find the tape, but they had to look. He locked the apartment door behind him as he left, and ventured out into New York.  
  
~*~  
  
And then, the next morning:  
  
Blaine sat bolt upright in bed, hoping that it had all been a dream. Kurt was gone, already up and about, and Blaine stood up, pulling on his slippers and robe.  
  
Kurt was at the kitchen table when Blaine came out, leafing through bills and making notes. “Hey,” he said tiredly when he noticed Blaine.  
  
“Hey yourself,” Blaine said, kissing him on the top of his head. “I’m sorry we couldn’t find it.”  
  
“It’s fine, Blaine,” Kurt mumbled, putting the bills down and laying his head on the table. “Ugh. No reality show is worth this kind of stress.”  
  
Blaine felt a surge of guilt, and turned to the fridge to cover it up. “Do you want breakfast? I’ll cook,” he offered.  
  
“I don’t really feel up to eating too much right now. Can I just have one of your bagels?” Kurt sat up and forced a smile at Blaine.  
  
“Yeah, yes, of course!” Blaine said, pulling the lid off the breadbox. He pulled out the bread first, putting it to one side, and peered into one of the brown paper bags from his bagel place. “I have...cranberry, I think. Is that okay?”  
  
“That’s fine,” Kurt said, yawning. Blaine pulled out the bag and looked underneath it to see another one. He opened it up to see the blueberry cinnamon bagels Kurt had bought for him, and sniffed to see if they were still good despite being well over a week old. “You’re not going to eat these, are you hon?” he asked lifting out the bag.  
  
“What are they?” Kurt asked back. “Despite my prowess in all fields I attempt, I don’t actually have x-ray vision.”  
  
“They’re those blueberry cinnamon ones that you got like two weeks ago. Remember? Those ones we didn’t fight over because that never happened?”  
  
“Oh, yes,  _those_ ,” Kurt said. “Blaine, I don’t really eat your bagels as it is, why would I touch the ones that you said seagulls won’t eat?”  
  
“Good point,” Blaine said. “I’m just going to toss them then.” He happened to look down into the breadbox when he lifted out the bag, and a small red and black piece of plastic caught his eye.  
  
“Oops,” he said.  
  
~*~  
  
Because this happened, at some point in the week before:  
  
Blaine pulled the flash drive out of the USB port of the laptop. He’d just spent three hours working on the digital album of Kurt’s performances he was making for his birthday, digging back into the McKinley recordings that Artie had shared with him up until the holiday recital last December at NYADA with a peppering of impromptu performances, to be supplemented with a hard copy photo album. It was a great idea, and he’d almost come up with it all on his own. He just had to keep Kurt from seeing it before his birthday, and that was where the flash drive came in.  
  
He was finished now though, so he didn’t need to really carry it around with him anymore. He could hide it somewhere not in his bag, and it would be fine. He just needed to find someplace that Kurt wouldn’t look.  
  
He wandered into the kitchen, and had a flash of inspiration when he saw the breadbox and remembered The Bagel Incident. Kurt wouldn’t have any reason to be touching those bagels, so he could just tuck it underneath them and he’d be set.  
  
Just as Blaine was replacing the lid, he remembered that he’d forgotten yet again to take their sex tape off the flash drive and put it back on the computer, but that was okay. It wasn’t like it was going anywhere.  
  
The apartment door opened at the same instant, and Kurt bounced in, looking flushed and triumphant.  
  
“Blaine!” he said excitedly. “Watch this!” He closed the door behind him and stripped off his shoes and jacket.  
  
“You’re not usually this upbeat after dance rehearsal,” Blaine observed. “What are you- Oh my god!”  
  
Kurt was peeling his pants off, revealing his underwear and legs. His long, long legs. “I can’t do it in these pants, Blaine, and I wasn’t about to wear sweatpants home no matter how excited I was.” He kicked off his pants and beamed at Blaine. “Watch!”  
  
He sunk suddenly into a full split, bounced in position three times (Blaine counted) and then drew his legs back together and launched himself off the ground into a perfect toe touch.  
  
Kurt was still grinning, like he had no idea how half-naked gymnastics would affect Blaine. “Did you see? Did you see? I’ve been working on that transition for a month now, it’s ridiculous how long it took me to get it exactly right.”  
  
Blaine snapped his mouth shut when he realized it was hanging open. “I saw,” he said, his throat suddenly dry and voice raspy. “Believe me, I saw.”  
  
“It’s a bit of an extracurricular thing, and I don’t think I’ll ever get to use it, but a guest instructor demonstrated it one day and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head so I’ve been practicing it after dance class.” He looked at Blaine anxiously. “Was it not as impressive as I thought? You don’t look impressed.”  
  
“I am so, so impressed, Kurt,” Blaine said. “It’s just, you, um, you-”  
  
“I...what?” Kurt asked, tapping his socked foot.  
  
“Well, you took your pants off to do that move, and I am just also impressed in other ways, okay?” Blaine said quickly, feeling a flush rush to his cheeks.  
  
“Oh,” Kurt said. “Oh! Well, we can do that too.” He unknotted his tie and pulled it off, then lifted one leg at a time and pulled off his socks, bundling them with his tie and tossing them onto his pants. He began to unbutton his shirt, but paused to look at Blaine, cocking an eyebrow. “Orrrr...Do you not want to?”  
  
Blaine realized that he had been standing stock still like a deer in headlights watching Kurt undress and swallowed hard. “Oh, no no no no nooo,” he said. “I do! I really, really do.” To prove it, he pulled his sweater off over his head and dropped to the ground.  
  
When he looked back to Kurt, he was regarding him with a pleased smile and slight flush, only wearing his undershirt and briefs. “Good,” he said. “I was worried about you for a second.” Anything else he was about to say was overridden by Blaine deciding that undressing was taking too long, and Kurt was mostly naked anyway, why was he waiting? and pressing him up against the wall, rubbing a hand over his hip and pressing open mouthed kisses to his neck.  
  
“I hope I didn’t interrupt anything,” Kurt said teasingly, sliding his hands down Blaine’s back and tilting his chin to allow Blaine easy access to his neck.  
  
Blaine paused for a second, trying to remember what he’d been doing before Kurt came in and coming up blank. “I don’t...think so? Can’t have been too important,” he said, just as Kurt grabbed a double handful of his ass. “Oh!” he yelped.  
  
“That’s what I thought,” Kurt said smugly.  
  
~*~  
  
So then, back in the kitchen:  
  
“What do you mean, ‘Oops’?” Kurt asked, standing up and peering over his shoulder. “Oh.”  
  
Blaine picked up the flash drive from where it was nestled in the bottom of the box. “Sorry.”  
  
“How did it get there?” Kurt asked curiously. “I mean, not that I’m not hugely relieved that my unbroken streak of my dad not seeing me naked post the childhood assisted bath time phase will continue, but that is a weird place for it to turn up.”  
  
“I hid it there, because I was using it to work on your birthday present and I didn’t want you to accidentally find it,” Blaine said shamefacedly. “Except you came home right as I was hiding it and showed me that half-naked splits to leaping in the air move, and I guess I kind of forgot all about taking it out of my bag.”  
  
Kurt snorted indelicately and clapped a hand over his mouth. “Oh,  _Blaine_ ,” he said. “I don’t even know what to say right now.” His eyes sparkled with humour, and he patted Blaine on the shoulder. “You go put that back on the computer where it belongs, and I promise I won’t look at what you did for my birthday, okay? I’m going to go hop in the shower.”  
  
He disappeared down the hall, shoulders shaking with quiet laughter, and Blaine was glad that at least one of them could see the humour of the situation. He was flushed with embarrassment, and not looking forward to the phone call to Tina to tell her that he’d found the tape.  
  
He booted up the laptop and stuck the flash drive in the USB port, putting the tape file back into the Blaine->Blaine’s Documents->misc->misc_misc folder where it belonged and deleting it from the flash drive. He pulled it out and dropped it into the top drawer of the desk, and went to go find his cell phone.  
  
“Hey, Blaine!” Tina said when she picked up. “Still alive, I see.”  
  
“Yeah, he wasn’t even mad, just upset. We found it, though, so crisis averted,” Blaine said.  
  
“Really? How?” Tina asked. “I figured it was gone forever, not going to lie.”  
  
“I would rather maintain some dignity, so I’m not going to say,” Blaine said, tapping his fingers against his thigh. “Just rest assured that there is no longer a chance that Kurt and I will be famous for the wrong reasons.”  
  
“Well, now I’m just going to bother Kurt until he tells me what you did with it,” Tina said reasonably. “You can’t tease me like this, Blaine.”  
  
“Can and will, serves you right for laughing at my pain,” Blaine sang into the phone. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, my extraordinarily wonderful boyfriend is in the shower and I’m going to go see if he needs help washing his back. Except I know he doesn’t, because he’s extremely flexible. And I’m also going to ask him to not tell you anything.”  
  
“Yeah?” Tina said challengingly. “Well, my extraordinarily hot boyfriend is still in bed, and I’m going to go feel up his six-pack, but you go right ahead and take a shower. I’m sure you’ll have lots of fun.”  
  
“I will!” Blaine said. “Bye, Tina!”  
  
“Bye, Blaine,” she said, hanging up.  
  
Blaine bit his lip. He’d been mostly joking about the shower thing, but at the same time, neither of them had to be anywhere for a while, and why was he even considering  _not_  having sex with Kurt when the opportunity was there? Then he could make him breakfast and they could talk about their weeks besides the whole sex tape mishap.  
  
Blaine grinned and kicked off his slippers, opening the bathroom door a crack. “Honey? How’s your shower going?”  
  
“Lonely,” Kurt called over the sound of water. “If only I had my hot boyfriend here to keep me company. I guess I’ll just have to make do, though.”  
  
Blaine slipped inside, pulling off his robe and underwear as he did. “Well, you have  _a_  boyfriend here, if you want him,” he said. “Can I come in?” Kurt pulling the curtain aside slightly was answer enough, and Blaine stepped into the stall, just barely big enough for the two of them, and pressed himself up along Kurt’s back.  
  
“This will be really, really funny to both of us someday,” Kurt said. “Don’t beat yourself up about it.”  
  
“I expect you to accept some of the blame as well,” Blaine said. “It was your hot body that distracted me from remembering where I put it.”  
  
“I suppose I can do that,” Kurt said with mocking regality. “It wouldn’t become me to not acknowledge how extremely attractive I am.”  
  
“No, of course not,” Blaine agreed. They were quiet for a couple of minutes while Kurt washed Blaine’s hair for him, running his fingers through it much more than was strictly necessary. “You’re not mad, are you?” he asked finally.  
  
“Honey, do I look mad?” Kurt asked incredulously. “Nothing happened, in the end. It’s all fine. In fact...” He trailed off and laid a finger on his cheek. “I might be a little sad about the reality show, but I’m sure we’ll get one someday. We’re too fabulous to not.”  
  
“Oh, well, obviously,” Blaine said, unable to stop the stupid grin from spreading across his face.  
  
“Speaking of, though, remember that thing that we talked about when we were filming? The pool boy thing?” Kurt ran a hand up Blaine’s spine, and he didn’t bother to suppress a shiver.  
  
“I remember,” he said. “What about it?”  
  
“Well, I was thinking that maybe, if you still wanted, we could try it. It would be good practice.” Kurt smiled wickedly at him.  
  
“Are you serious this time, or are you just going to lick my face again?” Blaine asked. “Because either sounds pretty fun, really, but I’d like to try it seriously. Also, practice for what?”  
  
“Acting practice, mostly, and yes, seriously. Are you in?” Kurt was still smiling that wicked smile, and Blaine felt his knees melt a little.  
  
“I’m in.”  
  
~*~  
  
And that’s the story of how Kurt and Blaine eventually amassed a larger collection of sex tapes than Puck, even, and never lent their computer out again.  
  



End file.
